Those were the words I hear lately when a sudden slow motion happened in my mind, my chest, I think even my soul. I haven’t written anything lately because I have been wanting to write something inspiring, positive, encouraging, etc..but what happens when you do not feel like any of those? What happens when the fake smiles start to wear off, the passive aggressive attitude no longer can do and you not longer even recognize the person behind the mask? Sometimes tragedies, do not come in the external form of a break up, a loss of a job or loved one, sickness etc…sometimes tragedies appear internally, rooted deep inside, like depression, addiction, anger, bitterness, guilt or sadness, bottle up in the “Do not touch” section. What happens when you control them, and after a while you come to notice they end up controlling you?
If I were to ask you, when was the last time you had your darkest days? your brain would take you to that specific moment in time right, but what about when you are living your darkest moment without you fully realizing it because you are caught up in two lives? When the inner part of you is screaming and crying, and all you can do is smile and laugh? … literally.
This post has been the hardest for me to write, in the history of my blog, probably because it is the most real, weirdest, revealing, and less “pretty”. Maybe because I have been afraid to show weakness, or seem like a drama queen, maybe because it so hard to come clean, maybe because it is better to be the one listening, than the one talking and expressing how much things hurt, or maybe it is because it’s easier to feed my pride by holding grudges and hear apologies than it is to feed humility by being the one that truly apologizes and extents forgiveness. Maybe because it is easier to put a front of my great qualities than to accept how wicked I can be.
[Sigh] So back to that to statement, “Stop painting the pretty picture” and be real. I tell myself that, and any of you that can relate to the same statement. Face yourself and know you are a sinner, face God, most important (and most difficult) face your reality and the people in it, and be honest. Be brave enough to be honest, brave enough to recognize any addictions, brave enough to face your fears, brave enough to open your heart and let go, brave enough to get help, brave enough to be broken and allow God to work in your life.
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” John 8:32
XOXO – San