I wanted to share a freelance photoshoot I did of my niece and my nephew while they visited Miami back in June. I don’t get to seem so often, so when I do…well that’s what you call an amazing day for me :)
The woman who is writing this wants you to know how much she loves you and that all she wants in this world is to make you happy. To hand you your contact lenses case at night and give you a kiss in the morning before she walks out the house.
I want to do life with you, the good days, the bad days, the crazy ones and the everyday routine ones. Thank you for always being there for me, for supporting my dreams and reminding me of my goals. Thank you for working hard everyday for us and our future, for bringing peace to my life, for loving me like you do, for staying when you could have left and for never giving up. Thank you for everything you do in the every day basis. You are my love, my laugh, my smile… for that and many more reasons I dedicate this post to you.
I love you today and always. I want you to know that I’m sorry for all the things I’ve done against you and for hurting you in any type of way. You are my best friend, and most of the times my only friend, a human being so easy to love. I am where I am today because of you and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I want it all, and by that I mean all of it. This is one of my most sincere statements.
I want my cake and I want to eat it too.
I want all the love, all the friendship, all the happiness.
I want all the laughter, all the partnership, all the comfort.
I want it all, from the smallest details to the big ones. I want to feel it all, live it all, dance it all, taste it all, and yes…know it all.
I know this might sound like a very selfish statement and you might think who the hell does she thinks she is?!?!… [brat]… but don’t get me wrong, I don’t necessarily think that is a bad thing to have all these desires which are bigger than myself.
I want all the road trips, all the poetry, all the beer, all the virtue. See all the places, from caves to mountain tops. Photograph all the sunsets and all the mysteries of the sea. All the happy memories, gorgeous models and cutest babies.
Most importantly, I want to see the people I love be happy above their wildest dreams.
I want it all, till the last drop.
All the good things in life mess up your hair: making love, jumping, dancing, running, laughing until your back hurts. That’s why I hope you live your life with a messy hair.
“She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn’t supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something.” – Eleanor & Park, Rainbow Rowell
It’s all about Your Love… For the Bible tells me so.
Jesus. Jehovah. Messiah. King of Kings. Lord of Lords. Prince of Peace. Son of God.
All of my past, present and future sins are irrelevant in front of your Kingdom. The wickedness of my ways don’t matter when it comes to your Glory. Every tear, every heartache, any anger, bitterness or hate lingering in the corners of my heart are so meaningless when I’m confronted by your immeasurable Love and Grace.
Jesus is it indeed all about you. I’ve heard that numerous times in songs, read it in posts and it’s been used in so many sermons, but its real to me when I’m overwhelmed by your undeserving Love.
When I measure to understand the anguish and anxiety in your last prayer for my behalf, volunteering to die on the cross, every drop of blood dripping from your body, every beating, each lash on your back, every tear you cried out to the Father brings me to my knees laying everything to your feet my heart brakes. Where nothing else matters, not my pitiful arguments or life decisions, who has done me right or wrong, not the mistakes I have made or the smart chooses I have done. Jesus you come on Top. Always. Even though you know I would fail, even though you knew I would turn my back on you, your love still reminds.
Ultimately it’s all about you Jesus. Even this blog.
The rain pours, like each of my thoughts, I can feel my heart beat matching the water drops from the sink, and just sit here blank, adding another brick to the wall I’ve built over time. I don’t cry, even if I wanted to. It’s not longer pain, or disappointment that hurts, but rather that silent anger that branches out quietly around my heart fogging my mind. Its okay tho, I really don’t mind. I stop making apologies and excuses for their actions. It is what it is. Sometimes the people you love and those that are supposed to care the most about you are the ones that make you less and less sympathetic, less respectful, less devoted, less caring. I hear the whispers telling me “just distance yourself, it’s the healthiest thing to do” which is what I do. I keep my distance, praying that anger doesn’t turn into any form of hate…but ultimately at this point I just don’t care.
Confessions of an angry butterfly
I usually tend to write posts and keep them as drafts, waiting to make a nice post out of it, or maybe trying to fix them up for later, sometimes they are just bits and pieces that never really make it to the “Publish” button. I was going through some of them this weekend and I asked myself, how come I never post this? and truth is because I find myself lost in my thoughts, trying to put them into words that make sense. In an essay format more than less or make them sound “blog appropriate” but I fail over and over again.
I have this rush of feelings and ideas about love, friendship, art, memories, God, the present, the struggle, inner peace, happiness, lessons, etc..that come in the most inconvenient moments. Either when I’m sitting at the laundrymat waiting for my clothes, while I’m driving in the Miami traffic, when I’m staring at the moon through the wooden blinds in the middle of night or when I’m at work having a headache from hell.
Therefore I came to the conclusion that I should just spill them out.. just as they come, without trying to make them sound poetic or grammatically perfect… before they consume me…
I will just spill them out, and let them take their course. Maybe they won’t defined me as a writer or successful blogger, but they will be as proof of a woman who loves words and its power.
“Artists are people driven by the tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide”
I won’t deny that for the last month I’ve been going through what is called the “Quarter of a life crisis”, where I am constantly thinking about the past, the future, where I stand today and where am I going. Seeing my finances, what have I accomplished, continuing school, looking for a new job, married life, health, getting back into fitness, this and that…(catch breath) ..well you get the point, trying to avoid the idea that I am indeed growing up. When I started writing this post I wanted to share something catchy or cool like “25 lessons I’ve learned by the time I turned 25”, “25 benefits of turning 25″, ”25 things to do in your 25th birthday” and so on, truth is when I opened my eyes today I had….nothing. All I know is that today I will do the things I love. Starting by writing this post (and sharing with you all ;) ) , I am going to take pictures by the bay, eat out, drink, dance, dance and dance some more.
Today I woke up being 25 years old, and meditating on who is in my life, how far I’ve come, what has been given and taken from me and my heart is filled with an abundance of gratitude. I am undeserving blessed and favored by the main man up in the heavens. I thank God and those I have had the privilege to know and have blessed my heart with their presence, love, care and friendship. Finally an even bigger thanks to those who have been around for the long run by my side, taking the risk to love and share a piece of their soul with me.
Once this weekend is all set and done, when I blow my candles, dance my feet off and Monday comes back again, I know that my life and the rest of my days are perfectly placed in God’s hands, I will remind myself to light up, and be happy. So cheers! to the best years of my life that are yet come :)
XOXO – San
To you, who has been blessed with your child and your partner. To the single mother, who has strength and courage to be both parents. To you, who’s a mother in her heart. To the mothers that have lost their child and the mothers that never had the opportunity to meet them.
To you who knows unconditional love, who gives it all and some. To you who rejoices, who dreams, who sadden, who worries for their child.
To the grandmother, the aunt, the sister or friend that play the role of a mother.
To you who became a mother the moment you read the word “positive”. To you who wishes and tries to become a mom.
Happy Mothers Day.
Death, a topic many people avoid, including me. We are wired to know, we are all going to die one day – yes of course, but when death is real, when it is someone you know, a relative or friend then that’s a different scenario.
A few months ago I went to a funeral for one of my closest friend’s father, and I must say, I only lasted 30 minutes in there. I have been to funerals before, but this one really got to me. The thought of a soulless body, a body that used to speak and joke with me, the pain and hurt of my friend, and over all, the fact that we are going to die. Not really knowing when or how but we will…
Death has a way of showing you, where your life is at, what is supposed to be important, how are you truly living and why, but most important where are you going to spend eternity. This life is truly temporary, one day I might be surrounded by grandchildren or not, I might have a successful photography business or not, I might be able to write a book or not, I might have a huge party celebrating my 50th birthday or not, I would have travel a lot or not, have kids and see them grow up or not..who knows? Bottom line is the everyday that counts; it is really today that counts.
Enjoy the things you still can control. Always say yes when asked to see your friends, drink your coffee in the mornings, recognize that positive changes rarely happen overnight, accept the mess-ups but try not to let them happen again. There is a song to remedy every situation on the planet, appreciate the people in your life, look for the good, try new things, laugh often, try to be kind, cry when you need to cry and let it all out, accept who you are and take breathers from time to time.
I love and relate to this writing from Rachel C. Lewis, enjoy :)
XOXO – San
“I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying, “Kiss me harder,” and “You’re a good person,” and, “You brighten my day.” I live my life as straight-forward as possible.
Because one day, I might get hit by a bus.
Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether it’s your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands.
But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate.
And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care.
We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans.
We never know when the bus is coming.”
-Rachel C. Lewis, Tell The People You Love That You Love Them